Why your inbox will thank you
7AM, on the dot
Lands in your inbox before your coffee finishes brewing. Earlier than your alarm. Funnier than your alarm.
Actually funny
We do the doomscrolling so you can just laugh at it. Today's news + yesterday's dirt, with jokes attached.
The hot stuff
Every story, rumor, and meme we're roasting that day — distilled into one gloriously petty email.
Zero spam
One email a day. No 'webinars.' No 'synergies.' Unsubscribe with one click and we won't even cry. (We will.)
Good morning, troublemaker. The Board of Supervisors held another meeting yesterday and somehow nothing happened, expensively.
In rumor news: a certain official was spotted doing a thing they swear they didn't do. We have a meme about it. You're welcome.
— and that's just paragraph one. Imagine the whole thing. Now sign up. ☕
A cheeky morning preview of everything we're mocking today. Daily at 7AM.
Questions you're too polite to ask
Is it free?
Free as in 'free toothpick inside.' We make our money the old-fashioned way: we don't.
Will you sell my email?
To whom? The other satirical Santa Barbara tabloid? There isn't one. Your inbox is safe with us.
What if I get tired of you?
Impossible. But there's an unsubscribe link in every issue. One click and poof — like our credibility.
How early is 7AM, really?
It's 7AM. We're not animals. It arrives at a civilized hour, fully caffeinated and ready to gossip.
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← Or just go read today's front page