UCSB 'SENATORS' RESOLVE TO CONDEMN EVIL! SHOCKER!

Well, bless their little cotton socks. Our intrepid student 'senators' over at the UCSB Daily Nexus just reported that Associated Students have bravely passed a resolution condemning sexual assault. Stop the presses! Who knew this was an unpopular opinion that needed a formal declaration? One can only imagine the heated debates: 'Should we, or should we not, be against people being assaulted?' Truly groundbreaking stuff coming out of our publicly-funded institutions of higher learning.

This stunning act of moral courage from the campus politburo comes after 'recent reports' of sexual violence. Apparently, these reports are what finally tipped the scales for the student government to declare that, yes, sexual assault is, in fact, not good. We assume their next revolutionary act will be a resolution against stubbing one's toe or perhaps a formal declaration that pizza is, generally, delicious. The sheer audacity to tackle such controversial topics is truly inspiring.

What the UCSB 'senators' likely won't resolve is anything that might actually, you know, *solve* problems. Don't expect resolutions calling for more robust campus security, swifter judicial processes for offenders, or holding administrators accountable for fostering a safe environment. Nah, that's too much like actual work. Much easier to issue a strongly-worded letter that will be filed away next to last year's resolution condemning lukewarm coffee. The 'Whipper' suggests these brave 'leaders' might do more good by focusing on their studies instead of playing dress-up in the halls of power, where real-world problems demand more than just virtue-signaling proclamations.

Meanwhile, taxpayers continue to foot the bill for these university-sanctioned theater productions, where the biggest drama is often deciding which platitude to pass next. We eagerly await their next brave stand against, perhaps, paper cuts or forgetting one's reusable shopping bag. The future is clearly in excellent hands.