SUPERVISORS' ‘BROADBAND’ IS REALLY JUST PUBLIC WI-FI SLOP FOR THE UNWASHED

Your elected overlords at the Santa Barbara County Board of Supervisors, after years of dithering and funneling cash, have finally admitted what any taxpayer with two brain cells already knew: their grand fiber-optic broadband dream is dead. Or, as they put it, 'not feasible within the funding provided.' Translation: they blew it. Now, instead of actual high-speed internet to bridge the digital divide, they're pivoting to 'public Wi-Fi hot spots' in county parks. Because nothing says 'cutting-edge infrastructure' like trying to stream Netflix from a bench next to a homeless encampment.

This week’s agenda item, disguised as a sober administrative matter, really just confirms that the 'Public and Educational Capital Endowment' has been reallocated from a serious infrastructure project to providing glorified coffee-shop internet for those who can't afford their own. Meanwhile, Cox Communications, bless their corporate hearts, will graciously accept another quarter-million dollars to install and operate these 'access points.' It’s a wonderful arrangement for Cox, less so for the taxpayers who thought they were investing in something substantial, not an open-air internet cafe.

And lest you think they entirely abandoned vital services, a paltry $75,000 has been set aside to 'enhance internet connectivity' for the Regional Fire Communications Center. Because nothing screams 'preparedness' like a fire department running on the digital equivalent of dial-up, while the county prioritizes giving transients free YouTube access. The Whipping Post predicts a real rush on county parks now, just as soon as everyone figures out how to charge their devices without a wall outlet. Perhaps the supervisors can approve funding for portable solar chargers next, paid for by yet another 'reallocated' endowment.

Of course, no government boondoggle is complete without a CEQA exemption. The Board conveniently determined that replacing a fiber-optic project with Wi-Fi hotspots and funneling more money to telecom giants constitutes 'continuing administrative or maintenance activities' with 'no direct or indirect physical changes in the environment.' It’s amazing what feats of environmental magic can be performed when the county wants to sidestep pesky regulations and pretend their budgetary gymnastics are perfectly normal. At least they're consistent in their ability to spend taxpayer money on projects that benefit everyone but the taxpayers.