SANTA BARBARA 'CANDIDATES' DEBATE WHICH SIDE OF THEIR MOUTH TO SPEAK FROM

Local news outlet KSBY News recently highlighted Santa Barbara's mayoral candidates, who, in a stunning display of political innovation, have decided to focus on "affordability, safety, and housing." Clearly, these intrepid leaders are breaking new ground, addressing issues no politician has ever considered before. We here at The Whipping Post salute their courage to tackle such niche, unheard-of concerns, especially as they trot out the same tired talking points that have kept Santa Barbara affordable for, well, exactly zero new people over the last decade.

It's truly inspiring to hear the earnest pledges to solve the housing crisis, which, of course, was largely engineered by the very same progressive planning commissions and NIMBY-dominated city councils these candidates either served on or enthusiastically supported. One might imagine they're promising to magically conjure new residences from the ethereal mist, rather than, say, streamline permitting, reduce exorbitant fees, or – heaven forbid – allow actual free-market development. But that would require a conservative dose of common sense, which is about as welcome in City Hall as a tax refund at a climate summit.

As for 'safety,' it seems the current strategy of coddling criminals and defunding common sense has worked wonders, leading to a vibrant new street culture that's just bursting with 'diversity' – mostly of the shoplifting and public urination variety. And 'affordability'? That's easily solved by simply ignoring the crippling local taxes, fees, and regulatory burdens that make doing business here a bureaucratic odyssey. The true angle everyone else is missing is the implicit promise from these candidates: they will continue to manage the decline with all the rhetorical finesse of a seasoned bureaucrat, ensuring the status quo remains utterly, gloriously, and expensively unchanged, all while blaming 'external factors' for their self-inflicted wounds.