FINALLY! HIGH SCHOOLERS TO LEARN READING AND WRITING... PERHAPS!

The Santa Maria Joint Union High School District, in a rare display of common sense not often seen from educational apparatuses these days, has apparently decided to try an experiment: teach kids without the constant distraction of a supercomputer in their pocket. That's right, the Santa Maria Times reports that come 2026-27, students will have to power down their digital leashes during school hours.

For what feels like decades, the progressive educational establishment has insisted that devices were 'learning tools' – which, as any parent who's seen a teenager's screen time report knows, is about as true as calling a slot machine a financial planning device. One can almost hear the wails from the 'woke' education consultants lamenting the loss of 'equitable access' to cat videos and digital gossip sessions. This policy, of course, is a long-overdue return to sanity.

One can only hope this isn't just a performative gesture from a board realizing their next budget vote depends on looking like they're actually educating children. We suspect the real reason isn’t a sudden epiphany about academic rigor, but rather the district realizing the liability headaches from cyberbullying, online cheating, and students filming each other in various states of undress had finally outweighed the 'innovation' talking points.

Expect a flurry of op-eds from the usual suspects, pearl-clutching about student 'autonomy' and the tragic loss of 'spontaneous digital collaboration.' Meanwhile, the parents who still believe school should involve, you know, _learning_, will quietly cheer. Let's see if this generation, unburdened by their phones during instruction, can finally figure out how to write a coherent sentence – or at least look up from their desks long enough to acknowledge a teacher's existence.