EARLY VOTING RALLY: DEMS SHOW UP (TOO) EARLY FOR ONCE

Santa Barbara's perpetually perplexed progressive contingent gathered this past weekend for what local rag The Santa Barbara Independent dubbed a 'Vote Early' rally. One has to wonder, early for what, exactly? Given it's 2026 and we just had a presidential inauguration last year, the only thing they're early for is perhaps the next solar eclipse or the return of disco. These are the same folks who think a 20-year-old avocado toast recipe is groundbreaking, so perhaps their concept of 'timeliness' is just as... unique.

Organized by various alphabet-soup groups that demand more government handouts while simultaneously complaining about the government, the rally reportedly started at Alameda Park before meandering aimlessly to De la Guerra Plaza. We hear they nearly missed the 2 PM end time because half the participants couldn't decide whether their organic hemp protest signs were ethically sourced or if the gluten-free granola bars they were handing out were sufficiently intersectional. The only thing they voted early on was probably their brunch reservations.

Meanwhile, actual productive members of society were busy, you know, working, paying taxes, and generally making Santa Barbara run, rather than staging performative political theater for an election that's still comfortably over the horizon. But bless their hearts, at least they got some fresh air, and maybe even worked up enough of an appetite to justify their artisanal oat milk lattes. Perhaps next time they'll rally for 'Read A Calendar Early,' just to keep themselves occupied.