VANDENBERG ROCKET SCARE: LOCAL PROGRESSIVES LOSE THEIR MINDS OVER NATIONAL DEFENSE

Vandenberg Space Force Base, a beacon of national security and economic stability in our fair county, recently lit up the predawn sky with a test launch, proving once again that some things still work in America. This critical Minotaur rocket test, part of a next-generation missile system, went off without a hitch, reminding us that even as local bureaucrats tie themselves in knots over bike lanes and composting mandates, our military is quietly ensuring we don't end up speaking Mandarin.

Of course, one can almost hear the collective gasp of horror from the usual suspects who prefer their skies clear of anything that might suggest a strong national defense. We're sure the fainting couches were in high demand as Noozhawk dutifully reported the facts, probably much to the chagrin of their more ideologically pure readership who believe missile launches are far worse than, say, defunding the police or letting vagrancy run wild in our parks.

While the Pentagon and President Trump's administration focus on keeping America safe and strong, one can only imagine the hand-wringing in local progressive circles. They're probably already drafting angry letters about 'military industrial complex' emissions or how a rocket launch might offend the migratory habits of a particularly rare, progressive-voting plankton. Meanwhile, the sane majority understands that a powerful military is the only 'green energy' that truly protects our way of life.

So, while some might see a bright light in the sky, others see the horror of competence and national pride. We, at The Whipping Post, simply salute the brave men and women of Vandenberg for doing the actual work that keeps us free to mock the absurdities of local governance.