UCSB STUDENTS NOW REQUIRE FULL-TIME ADULTS TO FEEL 'SAFE' AT COLLEGE

The UCSB Daily Nexus reported with breathless seriousness that the campus ‘student senate’ has deemed it necessary to establish a *permanent* student safety committee. One imagines the brave souls on this committee will be tasked with identifying pressing threats like overly firm pillows, gluten-containing snacks, and the existential horror of encountering an unscheduled thought. The real shocker isn't that they felt the need for such a committee, but that they didn't already have a dozen, each with its own diversity, equity, and inclusion subcommittee.

Evidently, the concept of personal responsibility is as foreign to today's college 'leaders' as a balanced budget. Instead of encouraging students to navigate the world with a modicum of common sense, this perpetually infantilized generation requires an entire institutional framework to ensure they don't stub their toe while trying to demand more free stuff. We’re talking about adults, presumably capable of voting, yet apparently incapable of ensuring their own safety without a dedicated committee and, one can only assume, a hotline staffed by crisis counselors on standby for papercut emergencies.

And what's a new committee without 'funding concerns'? The Nexus piece dutifully notes this crucial point, no doubt setting the stage for increased tuition fees or, better yet, a new 'student safety' surcharge on every latte purchased on campus. Because nothing says 'fiscal responsibility' like adding another layer of administrative bloat to an already top-heavy university system. Perhaps if they spent less time inventing committees to protect students from reality, they'd have more funds for things like, say, actual education or keeping the grass cut. But that would require them to actually think like adults, and we can’t have that, can we?