TEENAGER ABANDONS PARENTS!

It appears the fine folks at Edhat, ever vigilant in their pursuit of the utterly humdrum, have once again graced us with news that keeps us... well, reading their publication, we suppose. Their latest dispatch highlights the ongoing (and frankly, rather predictable) saga of a teenager who, to the astonishment of absolutely no one, has gone missing. We're told this particular adolescent is 'at-risk,' which, in modern parlance, could mean anything from 'might jaywalk' to 'prefers TikTok over gainful employment.'

One must wonder, as the Thousand Oaks Police Department throws what we can only imagine are vast public resources at this pressing case, if perhaps the youth in question is merely embarking on a noble quest for self-discovery, far from the stifling embrace of helicopter parenting and participation trophies. Or, more likely, they just wanted to get away from having to explain cryptocurrency to their uncle for the fifth time at Memorial Day dinner. Some risks, it seems, are worth taking.

Indeed, the concept of a 'missing at-risk juvenile' has become something of an annual Spring ritual, much like the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, but with more social media appeals and fewer bearskin hats. Perhaps instead of endless police searching, we should just assume they've achieved nirvana in a quiet corner of the park with a good book and a regrettable vape pen. Frankly, given the state of the world, who can blame them for seeking a brief respite from adulthood? The real mystery is why more aren't doing it.