SB INDY CALLS FOR PAUL REVERE... TO DELIVER THEIR MORNING LATTES?

The Santa Barbara Independent, in a moment of self-aggrandizing delusion, recently called upon itself to become the 'Paul Revere of our times' for the midterms. We here at The Whipping Post must respectfully ask: Revere of what, precisely? The coming of the artisanal kombucha shortage? The existential threat of a new bike lane being delayed by a week? One can only imagine the terror that would grip the populace if the Indy's crack team of investigative journalists, led by a spectral horseman, announced, 'The developers are coming! The developers are coming!'—as if that weren't their *actual job* to cover without needing a powdered wig and a lantern.

Frankly, the only alarm bells the Independent tends to ring are about imaginary crises dreamed up in some faculty lounge, or the urgent need for more tax dollars to fund another 'inclusive' public art installation. If Paul Revere had waited for the local rag to 'raise the alarm,' he'd still be debating the merits of a horse-drawn carriage's carbon footprint while the British already had tea with Sam Adams. Our local 'independent' press, bless their hearts, are more concerned with crafting their next overwrought opinion piece than actually, you know, doing *journalism* that might upset the well-heeled progressive establishment from which they derive their precarious existence.

Let's be real: the only thing the Independent is 'calling for' is a few more clicks before the next bond measure passes unnoticed, enriching their donor class while ordinary taxpayers get stuck with the bill. Their idea of 'warning' the populace usually translates to a dire editorial about global warming on a perfectly sunny 75-degree day, or a breathless exposé on the urgent need for more 'equity' in dog parks. Meanwhile, the actual critical issues – like runaway county spending, pension liabilities that could sink us all, and the continued assault on private property rights – barely merit a whisper, unless it's to cheer on the government overreach. Perhaps they should call for a fact-checker before they call for Revere.