SANTA MARIA'S DESPERATE PLEA: ANYONE, PLEASE! (PREFERABLY AWAKE)

Noozhawk reports, with all the gravitas of a Pulitzer submission, that Santa Maria is actually, truly, seriously looking for people to populate its Block Grants Advisory Committee, the Central Coast Commission for Seniors, and, in a shocking twist, the Library Board. We assume this civic-minded outreach stems not from a vibrant civic life, but from the kind of existential dread that grips municipal HR departments when they realize they might have to do some actual work themselves.

One can only imagine the thrilling stakes involved. Will the Block Grants Advisory Committee finally decide which shade of beige paint gets to adorn the community center while perfectly good federal monies quietly disappear? Will the Central Coast Commission for Seniors at long last determine if shuffleboard is, in fact, a sport, or merely a pastime for those who've embraced comfortable shoes and a disdain for brisk movement? And the Library Board – oh, the power! – will they decide if 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' is too avant-garde for the children's section?

It's a wonder, frankly, that this isn't a pay-to-play opportunity. Given the profound impact these committees undoubtedly have on the average Santa Marian's life (which is to say, none at all), one might expect to be handsomely compensated for the hours spent feigning interest in bureaucratic minutiae. Instead, it's a volunteer gig, a testament to the city's unwavering commitment to... well, to having committees, because that's what cities do.

So, if you're a Santa Maria resident with a burning desire to sit through interminable meetings, nod sagely at incomprehensible jargon, and then go home knowing you've accomplished absolutely nothing, now's your chance! The city needs you, not for your ideas, or your passion, but merely to fill a chair. Apply today, before they start dragging people off the street.