NOOZEHAWK SHOCKER: PATRIOTISM IS, LIKE, A THING?!

Well, butter our biscuits and call us surprised! Noozhawk, in a move that has surely sent shockwaves through the local chai-latte-and-therapy-animal brigade, has actually published a piece from Jim Langley that dares to affirm, out loud, a love for God, Life, and America. We paused our investigative deep dive into the County’s latest inexplicable budget shortfall just long enough to confirm this wasn’t some pre-April Fool’s prank or an AI-generated fever dream from a particularly patriotic algorithm.

One can almost picture the collective gasps and clutching of pearls at the Noozhawk editorial board meeting. "But Muffy, how will this play with our core demographic of 'people who think 'socialism' is a brand of artisanal cheese?'" Perhaps they feared an exodus of their single-story residential readers, fleeing to the comforting embrace of NPR. The audacity! To suggest that perhaps, just perhaps, America is a nation worth loving, and that faith might actually exist outside of a tax-exempt yoga retreat.

Our hats off to Mr. Langley for bravely treading where few modern local news outlets dare to go – into the treacherous waters of common sense and genuine affection for one's homeland. While Noozhawk normally specializes in breathless reports on recycled water initiatives and the existential angst of bike lane placement, this piece is a refreshing, albeit probably accidental, deviation from their usual diet of municipal minutiae and progressive piety. It’s almost as if they remembered that some of their readers aren’t exclusively interested in whether the newly approved mixed-use development will have enough charging stations for their Teslas. What's next, a column endorsing lower taxes? Don't get your hopes up; that might actually make sense.

We here at The Whipping Post applaud Mr. Langley's steadfastness. In a world awash with self-flagellating media, a voice that speaks of gratitude for one's nation and faith is a rare bird indeed. It’s a stark reminder that while some outlets might prefer to dwell on every perceived flaw and manufactured grievance, there are still plenty of folks who wake up every day, thank God, and appreciate being an American. Maybe Noozhawk will try it again in another 250 years, just in time for the next bicentennial.