LOMPOC LOONIES LECTURE KIDS: 'NO PHONES, PEASANTS!'

It appears the Lompoc Unified School District, fresh off whatever visionary programs they've conjured up to, you know, actually *educate* children, has now decided to tackle the pressing issue of… smartphones. According to the Santa Maria Times, these esteemed guardians of public education are mulling over a district-wide ban, set to drop just in time for the new school year. Because, naturally, after years of remote learning where phones were often the *only* link to education, the brilliant solution is to rip them from tiny hands.

One can only imagine the frantic meetings leading to this earth-shattering policy. Were they brainstorming ways to improve abysmal test scores? Perhaps discussing actual vocational training for kids who won't be attending Ivy League institutions? No, no, too pedestrian. Clearly, the most urgent crisis facing Lompoc's youth is the 3.5-inch screen in their pocket. This is less about education and more about a desperate, Luddite lurch for control by an institution that increasingly struggles to maintain even the illusion of it.

Now, here's the angle the local papers will miss: while the Lompoc district pathetically attempts to turn back the clock on technology, you can bet your bottom dollar that the same administrators pushing this ban are glued to their own devices, coordinating their next 'equity' workshop or planning another lavish taxpayer-funded conference. It's always 'do as I say, not as I do' with these enlightened bureaucrats, isn't it? Let the children suffer the indignity of unsupervised playground time while the adults WeChat their virtue signals. One wonders if their big plan for improving student engagement involves bringing back blackboards and slates next. Bravo, Lompoc. Bravo.