LOCAL PROGRESSIVES DISCOVER ‘FACTS,’ BEG VOTERS TO CONSIDER THEM

The Santa Barbara Independent, bless its ever-so-earnest heart, recently published a letter essentially exclaiming, 'Golly, someone’s actually talking about facts! And they're not even a Republican!' One can almost hear the collective gasp from the Left Bank coffee shops as they realized there’s a candidate, Eric Friedman, who apparently keeps 'facts at his fingertips.' We at The Whipping Post have to wonder: What sorcery is this? Are we to believe that the very concept of verifiable information, once thought to be an extremist, right-wing conspiracy theory, has now made its way into the hallowed halls of local government discourse? Who knew that basing opinions on something other than a DEI seminar or a wind turbine’s Instagram filter was even an option?

This stunning revelation comes as a shock to an electorate accustomed to officials whose 'sober assessments' usually involve lamenting the lack of free artisanal kombucha for the unhoused or declaring plastic straws a greater threat than burgeoning pension liabilities. The Independent's gushing over Friedman's ability to grasp actual numbers is like celebrating a chef for remembering to turn on the stove. It exposes the bewilderingly low bar set for competence in our local progressive paradise, where 'deeply held beliefs' routinely trump audited financial statements.

Perhaps Mr. Friedman, in his shocking embrace of 'facts,' has stumbled upon the radical notion that public service might, just *might*, involve a passing familiarity with budgets, infrastructure, or the actual cost of grandiose green initiatives. We laud the Independent for bravely venturing into this uncharted territory, even if it does mean admitting that some candidates actually engage with reality. It’s almost enough to make us think they've learned something from President Trump's second term, where economic growth and common sense are back in style. We eagerly await their next groundbreaking exposé: 'Local Politician Discovers Taxpayer Money Comes From Taxpayers!'