LOCAL 'NONPARTISAN' HOPEFUL DISCOVERS VOTERS EXPECT, LIKE, ACTUAL IDEAS

It seems the esteemed journalists over at KEYT NewsChannel 3-12 have cracked the code on what passes for a campaign platform in our fair city: a candidate's name, the office they're seeking, and their party (or lack thereof, if they're particularly bold). Their recent 'coverage' of City Council hopeful Monte Wilson is a groundbreaking exposé, revealing such hard-hitting details as his name and the fact he's running for District 4. Riveting stuff, truly.

One might charitably assume that 'Nonpartisan' means this particular aspirant is above the petty squabbles of left and right, choosing instead to focus on the issues that unite us, like how much more of our tax dollars we can funnel into consultants' pockets. Or perhaps, and this is just a wild guess, it means he simply hasn't quite figured out which flavor of progressive virtue-signaling will earn him the most social credit. In Santa Barbara, 'nonpartisan' often translates to 'Democrat who doesn't want to explain why the streets still look like a lunar landscape after decades of one-party rule.'

What a shocking oversight from the local press! Imagine, if you will, the sheer audacity of a candidate not providing a single, solitary policy position or even a vague platitude about 'community enrichment' for the public record. Is this the future of our local elections? Candidates simply existing and hoping the local blogosphere—I mean, news channels—will fill in the blanks with whatever feels appropriately ambiguous? Perhaps Wilson is employing a strategy of radical transparency: revealing absolutely nothing, leaving voters to wonder if his platform is written on a napkin or simply doesn't exist yet, much like a coherent plan for the city's overflowing homeless industrial complex. We at The Whipping Post salute this bold new era of political enigma.