LOCAL NEWS DISCOVERS... A CANDIDATE! SHOCKING EXPOSE REVEALS NAME!

In a journalistic coup rivaling the discovery of fire, KEYT NewsChannel 3-12 has bravely informed the public that a person named James Zurlinden is indeed seeking public office. The riveting 'report' — if one can call a candidate's website link and social media handles 'reporting' — confirms what many local residents had long suspected: that individuals sometimes put their names forward for elective positions. Clearly, the newsroom budget for 'original thought' has been reallocated to 'artisanal oat milk' or 'pronoun workshops.'

One can only imagine the sheer effort involved in this groundbreaking exposé. Did a plucky intern bravely type 'Santa Barbara City Council candidates' into a search engine? Was a daring cub reporter assigned the monumental task of copying and pasting text from a campaign website? The intrepid spirit of local media, truly, knows no bounds when there's an empty space to fill on a webpage.

While the legacy media marvels at the sheer existence of a candidate, the discerning taxpayer might wonder if perhaps a deeper dive into, say, platform specifics, financial disclosures, or, dare we say, policy positions might be in order. But that would require actual journalism, a craft seemingly relegated to the dusty archives alongside objective reporting and balanced coverage. For now, we'll just have to be content knowing that Mr. Zurlinden has a website and an Instagram, and that our local news is performing a vital public service by, well, listing things.