LOCAL MAN PLAGUES POLICE, ONLINE FORENSICS TEAM WITH HIS 'POSSESSIONS'

It seems the modern age has gifted our brave men and women in uniform with an exciting new challenge: investigating objects and people who *possess* said objects. KEYT NewsChannel 3-12 breathlessly reports on the latest triumph in Santa Maria, where a 37-year-old gentleman was apprehended for the grave offense of... well, having things. One shudders to think what other personal effects might be lurking in his sock drawer. This groundbreaking arrest, stemming from an 'extended investigation connected to an online tip,' proves that no 'possession' is too small or too digital to escape the long, digital arm of the law.

Indeed, the collaborative effort with the Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force is truly inspiring. One can only imagine the hallowed halls of law enforcement, teeming with specialists poring over internet tips, presumably cataloging every digital crumb and pixel until a 'possession' is found. It's a marvel of modern policing, where the mere act of owning something, even if it's just electrons on a hard drive, can trigger a full-scale inter-agency dragnet. Truly, the war on 'having stuff' is being fought valiantly.

We here at The Whipping Post commend the sheer tenacity required to track down and prosecute such a heinous act of 'possession.' It makes one wonder if perhaps the next frontier for these intrepid investigators will be people who 'have' unpleasant thoughts or, dare we say, opinions. We look forward to KEYT's next gripping exposé on someone who 'possesses' a collection of antique thimbles or, perhaps, a slightly too-large potted plant. The dangers of 'possession' are clearly boundless.