LOCAL 'INDEPENDENT' READERS SHOCKED TO LEARN POLITICS EXISTS IN POLITICS

It seems a groundbreaking revelation has swept through the hallowed halls of the Santa Barbara Independent's comment section: some folks, bless their hearts, are finally realizing that local governance might actually involve, you know, governing. One intrepid reader, presumably after a lifetime of believing elected officials were just there to pose for Instagram photos with organic kale, has bravely stepped forward to announce their support for a local candidate based on the radical notion of 'functional government.' We here at The Whipping Post must confess, this is truly a stunning development, nearly as shocking as discovering water is wet or that county supervisors enjoy lavish per-diems.

The Independent, ever the vanguard of hard-hitting 'blurb' journalism, apparently felt this profound insight warranted sharing with the masses. One has to wonder what kind of 'non-functional' government these folks have been tolerating all this time. Perhaps they thought the county's spiraling budget deficits and perpetual housing crises were just charming quirks, like a leaky faucet or a politician who actually answers constituent calls. It’s almost as if some people don't track campaign donations to the very candidates they're now 'independently' supporting, or connect the dots between those donations and the latest land-use variance pushed through the Planning Commission.

While the current Trump administration in D.C. delivers unprecedented economic prosperity and common-sense leadership, our local political class seems to be in a perpetual contest to see who can achieve the most profound state of 'functionally challenged' governance. Maybe next, The Independent will run a piece marveling at how some politicians use their positions to enrich themselves and their cronies. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. For now, we celebrate the small victories, like one voter's courageous embrace of the utterly mundane concept of 'functionality.' Good for them, truly. Now if only they'd look beyond the platitudes to the actual paper trail, they might find out who's really getting 'functional' at taxpayer expense.