ICE, ICE, BABY! LOMPOC'S LATEST LOUD-MOUTHED LOONIES DEMAND OPEN BORDERS

It seems the Lompoc Record, ever diligent in chronicling local grievances, has once again stumbled upon a 'story' of monumental importance: a handful of activists, likely fueled by avocado toast and student loan debt, are demanding federal immigration agents stop doing their jobs. Yes, over a hundred souls gathered at H Street and Central Avenue – presumably the only two streets in Lompoc – to chant about 'ICE OUT,' which sounds less like a protest and more like a poorly planned marketing campaign for a new energy drink.

One can only imagine the sheer effort involved in organizing such a pivotal event. Did they use actual bullhorns, or just their perpetually aggrieved voices? Were there artisanal kombuchas on sale, or did they have to settle for regular tap water? The important thing is they 'marked' a protest, ensuring that everyone within earshot (and the Lompoc Record's reporting radius) understood that federal laws are merely suggestions when it comes to the Central Coast's enlightened citizenry. We're sure the President is quaking in his boots.

Perhaps these dedicated 'demonstrators' believe that if they just yell loud enough, the laws of the land will magically evaporate, much like their common sense. What's truly missing from this spectacle, and from the local coverage, is any acknowledgment of the actual, you know, *laws* involved. But then, that might require critical thought, and we can't have that when there's virtue to signal and a perfectly good street corner to occupy. Maybe next time they'll protest gravity.