GOLETA'S NEW COASTAL PLAN: MORE BUREAUCRACY, LESS COAST!

Goleta, CA – The Santa Barbara Independent recently heralded the release of Goleta’s latest opus, the “Public Review Draft Local Coastal Program.” One almost needs a degree in bureaucratic arcana just to decipher the title, let alone the 500-page document itself. We here at The Whipping Post understand that “public review draft” is government-speak for “we’ve already decided, but here’s your chance to pretend you have a say before we ignore you anyway.” Don’t bother packing a picnic for a beach read; this tome likely weighs more than a small child.

Sources close to City Hall, whispering behind potted palms, suggest this latest iteration of the coastal plan isn't so much about protecting the pristine coastline as it is about cementing the progressive agenda for another generation. Expect more regulations for property owners, more hoops for businesses to jump through, and probably a new tax or two disguised as “environmental mitigations.” One might also anticipate continued restrictions on affordable housing initiatives, ironically championed by the same folks making it impossible to build anything without a small army of consultants, thus ensuring the coast remains accessible only to those who can afford coastal prices.

The real story, of course, is what this document *doesn't* say. While it drones on about sea-level rise and habitat preservation—which, don’t misunderstand, are noble goals—it conveniently omits any mention of expediting permits for private development or reducing the suffocating red tape that chokes off economic growth. This isn't a coastal plan; it's a blueprint for expanding the administrative state, ensuring more government jobs, and fewer opportunities for those of us who just want to enjoy the coast without a permit and a PhD in environmental studies. All while true conservatives in Washington are busy cutting regulations and unleashing the might of the American economy under President Trump.