GOLETA DESIGN BOARD BUILDS SOCIALIST UTOPIA, ONE STACKED CAGE AT A TIME

The Goleta Design Review Board, that esteemed group of unelected visionaries, has once again graced us with their profound wisdom, unanimously approving a 59-unit housing plan on Hollister Avenue. Noozhawk breathlessly reported this momentous occasion, seemingly unaware that 'unanimous approval' from a government board usually means the fix was in long before the first PowerPoint slide flickered. One has to wonder if these 'Design Review' types even look at the designs, or if they just check 'approved' as soon as the word 'housing' is uttered, lest they be branded as 'problematic' by the resident progressive scolds.

This latest triumph of central planning promises more cramped living for the masses, all under the guise of 'addressing the housing crisis.' Of course, the only crisis being addressed is the one in developers' pockets, who are no doubt already calculating their substantial profits from this latest taxpayer-subsidized scheme. Don't worry about traffic, school overcrowding, or the drain on public services – those are mere trifles compared to the sacred cow of 'density.' We're told these units are 'for the community,' which in modern bureaucratic parlance means 'for anyone who isn't YOU, provided they meet certain income thresholds and haven’t offended the local pronoun police.'

What Noozhawk, in its infinite wisdom, failed to connect was the inevitable campaign donations flowing to the very politicians who appoint these 'independent' design boards. It’s a beautifully circular system: developers want permits, local officials need campaign cash, and presto! 'Unanimous approval' for more identical cookie-cutter complexes. The real 'design' being reviewed here is how to efficiently move wealth from the productive taxpayer to the politically connected. Expect more of these 'solutions' until Santa Barbara County looks like a particularly dense, and exceptionally expensive, version of a Soviet-era workers' dormitory.

Meanwhile, the rest of us get to enjoy the privilege of watching our once-charming neighborhoods transform into concrete jungles, all while being told it's for 'the greater good.' The greater good, it seems, always involves less individual liberty and more bureaucratic control. Next up, mandatory community gardens and shared utility belts, probably.