E-BIKE MENACE! INDY DEMANDS MORE TAXPAYER-FUNDED PATHS FOR FUTURE ORGAN DONORS

The bleeding-heart scribes over at the Santa Barbara Independent, still reeling from the shocking revelation that bicycles and cars don’t mix well, have penned another masterpiece of public policy: 'Build more bike lanes!' Because, naturally, the only thing standing between our e-bike-riding youth and actuarial tables is a few hundred miles of freshly paved, taxpayer-funded infrastructure. Who knew that instead of, say, teaching kids how not to play Frogger with a Tesla, we just needed to give them their own personal highway?

Their big 'aha!' moment arrived after observing a few too many scrapes and bruises, leading them to conclude that the existential threat posed by e-bikes can only be solved by throwing more public money at the problem. It’s a familiar refrain from the Left Coast’s urban planners: rather than addressing personal responsibility or, heaven forbid, enforcing existing traffic laws, the solution is always to create a new, expensive government program. Soon, we'll have more dedicated bike paths than functioning roads, all while the county’s actual infrastructure crumbles from neglect.

This isn't just about safety; it’s about control. Every new bike path is another inch of land subtly expropriated, another layer of bureaucracy cemented into place, and another opportunity for a connected contractor to get a sweet deal building something few will ever use. Meanwhile, commuters stuck in gridlock on actual roads can ponder the virtue of their elected officials prioritizing pathways for electric scooters over patching potholes large enough to swallow a compact car. But hey, at least the kids will be safe... until they ride their e-bikes straight into the ocean, demanding a dedicated lane for that, too.

One might wonder if the Independent’s editorial board has ever considered that perhaps encouraging everyone to ride electric toy motorcycles at breakneck speeds through crowded streets isn't the pinnacle of enlightened urban living. Maybe, just maybe, the real problem isn't a lack of painted lines, but a lack of common sense. But that would require a level of critical thinking that seems to be in short supply when the topic is anything that can be spun into another opportunity for progressive spending.