E-BIKE MAYHEM: LOCAL LEFTISTS BLAME BICYCLES, NOT THE BRAINS PEDALING THEM

The Santa Barbara Independent, bless its perpetually earnest cotton socks, recently trumpeted news that our local constabulary is preparing an 'Electric Bicycle Education and Enforcement Update.' Apparently, after 18 months of what can only be described as a two-wheeled Mad Max scenario on our picturesque streets, the city fathers and mothers have noticed an uptick in e-bike-related 'incidents.' Who could have predicted that unleashing a generation of perpetually-online, rule-averse, entitlement-fueled progressives onto glorified scooters with motors might lead to a few fender benders? It's almost as if personal responsibility and the ability to follow basic traffic laws are not innate traits universally shared by those who believe the road is their personal eco-friendly plaything.

One can practically hear the collective sigh of relief from city hall. Instead of addressing the fundamental issue of a culture that prioritizes 'feeling good' over 'doing good,' they'll roll out another 'update.' This, of course, will involve a heavily-funded, taxpayer-subsidized campaign to 'educate' adults on things their kindergarten teachers already covered, like 'stop at red lights' and 'don't hit people.' It's a classic move: rather than admit that some ideas, no matter how 'green' or 'progressive,' have negative consequences when poorly implemented or when foisted upon a population allergic to accountability, they'll simply add more layers of bureaucracy.

Meanwhile, the same city council members who pushed for these bike-centric policies without a coherent plan for safety or enforcement are now clucking their tongues, demanding 'education' for the very citizens they enabled. Don't be surprised if the next 'update' involves mandating helmet-mounted AI that screams 'LOOK BOTH WAYS!' when approaching an intersection. All of this, naturally, will be paid for by the same beleaguered taxpayers who are already dodging the pedal-powered projectiles while trying to get to work. Perhaps, for a change, we could just enforce the laws already on the books and let Darwin sort out the rest. But then, where would the Independent get its next breathless report on bureaucratic non-solutions?