CITY COUNCIL CANDIDATE PROMISES... TO EXIST! WOW! IS THAT A PLATFORM?

In a bombshell exposé, or perhaps just a basic listing, KEYT NewsChannel 3-12 bravely reported on a truly astonishing development: a human being named Cevin Cathell is, in fact, running for Santa Barbara City Council District 5. Yes, dear readers, you heard it here first, if 'here' is referring to the least informative corners of the internet. The scoop, which consisted solely of a name, a district, and a non-committal 'Nonpartisan' party affiliation (because who needs principles when you have a website?), has sent shockwaves through the very few people who actually read these things.

Sources close to the Whipping Post — primarily our intern who accidentally clicked on the link – indicate that Mr. Cathell's campaign is, at this early stage, characterized by its profound commitment to existing. No pesky policy positions, no inconvenient calls for fiscal responsibility, just a bold assertion of sentience and an implicit promise to occupy a seat if elected. This, we're told by breathless, unnamed strategists (probably working for the other side), is a 'radical departure' from candidates who usually pretend to care about public services or, you know, property rights.

One can only imagine the arduous vetting process KEYT undertook to bring this groundbreaking information to the public. Perhaps a solemn inter-office memo was circulated, inquiring if anyone knew what a 'Cevin Cathell' was. Our bet? They found his name on the voter roll, confirmed he hadn't moved to Ventura yet, and called it a day. While the establishment media grapples with the existential implications of a candidate whose platform is literally 'I am here,' we at The Whipping Post continue our tireless work, connecting the dots between ambitious, yet utterly undefined, council hopefuls and the taxpayer dollars they will inevitably discover upon entering public service.