CEMETERY VIEW TOWNHOMES APPROVED: ARE THEY FOR THE LIVING OR THE *LIVING DEAD*?

While KEYT NewsChannel 3-12 dutifully reported the bare facts, The Whipping Post has unearthed the real story behind the Planning Commission’s latest masterpiece: approval for a townhouse complex directly opposite the Santa Barbara Cemetery. One might wonder if the architects anticipate a rush of clientele eager for eternal rest with a view, or perhaps just a convenient commute for those already feeling dead inside after navigating Santa Barbara’s housing market.

Our vigilant Commission, ever keen to ram through whatever staff recommends, waved through a 'Mitigated Negative Declaration' faster than a progressive council member can raise taxes. This means they found absolutely no significant environmental impact, presumably because a few dozen luxury townhomes won't bother the existing residents across the street. (They’re fairly quiet neighbors, after all.) It’s a testament to the city’s forward-thinking vision: why build affordable housing when you can build pricey digs right next to the town's biggest collection of permanent residents? Someone has to keep property values high, even if it’s by offering prime spectral real estate.

But let’s not miss the *real* genius here. Who benefits from this particular slice of urban planning heaven? Follow the money, folks. While the usual suspects of developers and their well-greased palms are certainly involved, this project conveniently adds more high-end units to a city already drowning in them, keeping the 'affordable housing crisis' in permanent crisis mode. That way, the city can keep demanding more state and federal funds to 'solve' it, perpetually expanding the bureaucracy without ever actually solving anything. It’s the circle of life, Santa Barbara style: build unaffordable housing, cry about affordability, rinse, repeat, and cash in. Meanwhile, the average working stiff can just enjoy the view from their overpriced apartment, or perhaps, start looking for a permanent plot across the street.