34,000 WITHOUT INTERNET? MORE LIKE 34,000 PEOPLE NOT WATCHING 'THE VIEW'!

The Santa Barbara Independent, in its tireless quest to find new and exciting ways to infantilize its readership, recently breathlessly reported that a staggering 34,000 county residents are living in a terrifying, pre-modern state: without home internet or a computer. We at The Whipping Post must confess, our first thought wasn't 'Oh, the humanity!' but rather, 'Where can we sign up for that kind of peace and quiet?'

Apparently, the 'Digital Equity Coalition' — because of course, there's a coalition for everything now, funded by the ever-generous Santa Barbara Foundation – is deeply concerned these poor souls are missing out on... well, what exactly? More online progressive outrage? Another TikTok dance trend? The latest pronouncements from the current White House that contradict yesterday’s pronouncements? One suspects these 34,000 individuals might actually be enjoying what used to be called 'life,' perhaps engaging in novel activities like 'reading a book' or 'talking to a neighbor' without the constant digital assault.

The real story, of course, isn't that people lack access to the internet, but that an entire industry of 'equity' advocates has sprung up to pathologize living without endless screen time. It's a classic progressive move: invent a problem, then invent a costly bureaucratic solution, usually involving taxpayer dollars and plenty of grants. While the rest of us are drowning in a sea of algorithms, data breaches, and ever-escalating subscription fees, these digital hermits are presumably immune to phishing scams and the existential dread of being perpetually 'connected.'

Perhaps instead of 'digital equity,' what we truly need is a 'digital sanity' initiative, aimed at unplugging the perpetually online and reminding them that the real world still exists beyond the glow of a laptop screen. The Independent may mourn the lack of ubiquitous Wi-Fi, but The Whipping Post salutes the last bastion of offline resilience. They’re not digitally disadvantaged; they’re digitally ascended.